My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world feels like it is falling apart. Why? Why now? Aren’t there any other options? I’m being torn apart, my heart aches, and all my thoughts are consumed with what to do. Everything else around me is faded and my mind is spinning around in a total chaos of emotions. I now know what I have to do, but I don’t want to. How can I? How can I cause so much pain to someone, especially to him? He has been such a huge part of my life; I’m always talking to him, always with him, always thinking about him, always talking about him. How can I break this up? I don’t want to, but I need to.
No, there was no big fight. No, there’s no one else. I now just know that it’s not meant to be. Why now? Do I have to? Yes, this is the right thing to do. I can’t keep going on when I know it’s not right. Can’t I just try to work things out? Wait, what’s there to work out? Nothing. Nothing is wrong, we just don’t match up. We have different opinions, views, and lifestyles. I’ve gradually learned more and more about him, me, and us. He wanted forever and I can’t make a lifelong commitment like that, not now, not when I’m still learning who I am and what I want out of life.
What’s done is done. Am I happy? No. Did I do the right thing? Yes. This sucks! He is completely crushed more than I can probably imagine. I want to take his pain away, but how? I can’t, but I don’t want him to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him, I still care so much about him. That will never change. I will always care about him and want him to be happy. How can I when I can’t comfort him anymore? I can’t give him a big hug to make everything better and my smile won’t bring happiness. Wait! I can’t turn to him to make me smile, to make my worries go away, to tell my every thought to any more! I’m lost. I can’t think. Who will be there for reassurance, to tell me I look beautiful, to hold me when I’m upset? My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world STILL feels like it is falling apart.
Does he hate me? Does he understand that I’m doing what I honestly think is the best thing? I don’t want to lose him. He said it would be too hard and painful for him to still be my friend. Why? This isn’t fair! Time will make things better, right? I don’t want to wait! I want my best friend. Just because we weren’t meant to be doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. I don’t want to wait, but if time is what it takes to get my friend back then I’ll wait.
Now what? Do I just wait? How do I just wait? Do I treat him as I would any other friend? I try that, things seem like everything will work out fine, but no. No, it just hurts him more, breaking him more inside.
He wants me to take my pictures back. This hurts so much! Why? I understand that he can’t bear to have the constant reminders in his wallet, but why can’t he just take them home and put them somewhere or throw them away? Why do I have to take them? Tears roll down my cheeks as he hands me the memories. The picture in the bluebonnets, the one he didn’t want to take but posed with me anyways. One of the many perfect prom pictures we took. And on top of the stack is my senior picture. The tears continue. He says he will take them back at some point. More tears. Will he?
Did I treat him like a friend? I know I tried to. He says I didn’t. I don’t remember, and if I did treat him badly it was completely unintentional. Does he not know that I hurt too? I’m also trying to recover and move on. I’m not going to be able to act myself. I guess it’s too late now. Now I’m just mad at myself. Mad for unintentionally hurting him. I’m still hurting him.
So now what do I do? I don’t want to avoid him, but I also don’t want to continue to hurt him. Nothing I do will make him happy. Nothing I do will be the “right” thing to do in everyone’s eyes. No matter how much I try to do the right thing someone will still be mad at me. Why? I thought they would understand that I’m doing what I think is right. I know they are hurting for him but that doesn’t mean to get mad at me and say hurtful things. What is he telling them? He has told me several things that tore me up, but I expected it. I expected him to be mad and say mean things, but why would other people do the same? I AM HURTING TOO! Does anyone realize this? After seeing how much he is hurting why would they want to make me hurt as much? I don’t understand.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. What I do know is that I don’t have any regrets. I would never give up the time we had together. We have so many amazing memories. I am who I am because of my experiences. The people I’ve known who have influenced and rubbed off on me, the things I’ve done, and time all form my life and the person I have become. I would NEVER take anything back.
