My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world feels like it is falling apart. Why? Why now? Aren’t there any other options? I’m being torn apart, my heart aches, and all my thoughts are consumed with what to do. Everything else around me is faded and my mind is spinning around in a total chaos of emotions. I now know what I have to do, but I don’t want to. How can I? How can I cause so much pain to someone, especially to him? He has been such a huge part of my life; I’m always talking to him, always with him, always thinking about him, always talking about him. How can I break this up? I don’t want to, but I need to.
No, there was no big fight. No, there’s no one else. I now just know that it’s not meant to be. Why now? Do I have to? Yes, this is the right thing to do. I can’t keep going on when I know it’s not right. Can’t I just try to work things out? Wait, what’s there to work out? Nothing. Nothing is wrong, we just don’t match up. We have different opinions, views, and lifestyles. I’ve gradually learned more and more about him, me, and us. He wanted forever and I can’t make a lifelong commitment like that, not now, not when I’m still learning who I am and what I want out of life.
What’s done is done. Am I happy? No. Did I do the right thing? Yes. This sucks! He is completely crushed more than I can probably imagine. I want to take his pain away, but how? I can’t, but I don’t want him to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him, I still care so much about him. That will never change. I will always care about him and want him to be happy. How can I when I can’t comfort him anymore? I can’t give him a big hug to make everything better and my smile won’t bring happiness. Wait! I can’t turn to him to make me smile, to make my worries go away, to tell my every thought to any more! I’m lost. I can’t think. Who will be there for reassurance, to tell me I look beautiful, to hold me when I’m upset? My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world STILL feels like it is falling apart.
Does he hate me? Does he understand that I’m doing what I honestly think is the best thing? I don’t want to lose him. He said it would be too hard and painful for him to still be my friend. Why? This isn’t fair! Time will make things better, right? I don’t want to wait! I want my best friend. Just because we weren’t meant to be doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. I don’t want to wait, but if time is what it takes to get my friend back then I’ll wait.
Now what? Do I just wait? How do I just wait? Do I treat him as I would any other friend? I try that, things seem like everything will work out fine, but no. No, it just hurts him more, breaking him more inside.
He wants me to take my pictures back. This hurts so much! Why? I understand that he can’t bear to have the constant reminders in his wallet, but why can’t he just take them home and put them somewhere or throw them away? Why do I have to take them? Tears roll down my cheeks as he hands me the memories. The picture in the bluebonnets, the one he didn’t want to take but posed with me anyways. One of the many perfect prom pictures we took. And on top of the stack is my senior picture. The tears continue. He says he will take them back at some point. More tears. Will he?
Did I treat him like a friend? I know I tried to. He says I didn’t. I don’t remember, and if I did treat him badly it was completely unintentional. Does he not know that I hurt too? I’m also trying to recover and move on. I’m not going to be able to act myself. I guess it’s too late now. Now I’m just mad at myself. Mad for unintentionally hurting him. I’m still hurting him.
So now what do I do? I don’t want to avoid him, but I also don’t want to continue to hurt him. Nothing I do will make him happy. Nothing I do will be the “right” thing to do in everyone’s eyes. No matter how much I try to do the right thing someone will still be mad at me. Why? I thought they would understand that I’m doing what I think is right. I know they are hurting for him but that doesn’t mean to get mad at me and say hurtful things. What is he telling them? He has told me several things that tore me up, but I expected it. I expected him to be mad and say mean things, but why would other people do the same? I AM HURTING TOO! Does anyone realize this? After seeing how much he is hurting why would they want to make me hurt as much? I don’t understand.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. What I do know is that I don’t have any regrets. I would never give up the time we had together. We have so many amazing memories. I am who I am because of my experiences. The people I’ve known who have influenced and rubbed off on me, the things I’ve done, and time all form my life and the person I have become. I would NEVER take anything back.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Everlasting Life
"And this is what God has testified: He has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have God's Son does not have life." 1 John 5:11-13
Some people hope they will spend eternity with God. John says that we can know we will. Our certainty is based on God's promise that he has given us eternal life through his Son. This is true whether you feel close to God or distant from him. Eternal life is not based on feelings, but on facts. You can know you have eternal life if you believe God's truth. If you lack assurance about your future destination, ask yourself whether or not you've honestly committed your life to Christ as your Savior and Lord. If so, by faith you know where you'll be - with your father.
I find that so reassuring because right now in my life with God, and for most of my life, I have felt distant from God. I honestly believe that God is the truth. He is so amazing! He has unconditional love for me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. He is always by my side and will be there for me to talk to. He knows me better than myself. So how is it so easy for God to do so much for me and to love me more than anyone else will ever be able to love me but I find it hard to put Him first and to worship Him in everything I do? He is the one that deserves everything, not me.
Some people hope they will spend eternity with God. John says that we can know we will. Our certainty is based on God's promise that he has given us eternal life through his Son. This is true whether you feel close to God or distant from him. Eternal life is not based on feelings, but on facts. You can know you have eternal life if you believe God's truth. If you lack assurance about your future destination, ask yourself whether or not you've honestly committed your life to Christ as your Savior and Lord. If so, by faith you know where you'll be - with your father.
I find that so reassuring because right now in my life with God, and for most of my life, I have felt distant from God. I honestly believe that God is the truth. He is so amazing! He has unconditional love for me even when I feel like I don't deserve it. He is always by my side and will be there for me to talk to. He knows me better than myself. So how is it so easy for God to do so much for me and to love me more than anyone else will ever be able to love me but I find it hard to put Him first and to worship Him in everything I do? He is the one that deserves everything, not me.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Genesis 7:1-24 All Aboard?
If you were alive at this time, would you have been invited to the boat? Why or why not? Would you have accepted? Why or why not?
No, I wouldn't have been invited to the boat because only Noah's family was invited. If I was invited, even though now in time I would like to say yes because I know the story, in that time I sadly would probably have turned it down. I would have thought that the 600 year-old Noah was just a crazy old man building a HUGE boat for 120 years. I wouldn't think that God would wipe out all living things except for the people on Noah's boat.
No, I wouldn't have been invited to the boat because only Noah's family was invited. If I was invited, even though now in time I would like to say yes because I know the story, in that time I sadly would probably have turned it down. I would have thought that the 600 year-old Noah was just a crazy old man building a HUGE boat for 120 years. I wouldn't think that God would wipe out all living things except for the people on Noah's boat.
Genesis 6:9-22 Noah Builds a Boat
What is the most difficult act that God has asked you to do?
The first thing that comes to mind is that God needs to be #1 in my life. I don't think I have ever put God first. I've been living my life how I want to live it and not stopping to think about how God wants it. As I think about this I feel very selfish. God has done so much for me and loves me more than anyone else ever will. I have realized that I need God in my life and I'm working on building a better relationship with Him. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can put God first right away. I could be wrong but I'm sure there needs to be a good relationship before I can put Him before my family and close friends. I will try to place God first now but once we have a strong relationship that should be a lot simpler.
The first thing that comes to mind is that God needs to be #1 in my life. I don't think I have ever put God first. I've been living my life how I want to live it and not stopping to think about how God wants it. As I think about this I feel very selfish. God has done so much for me and loves me more than anyone else ever will. I have realized that I need God in my life and I'm working on building a better relationship with Him. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can put God first right away. I could be wrong but I'm sure there needs to be a good relationship before I can put Him before my family and close friends. I will try to place God first now but once we have a strong relationship that should be a lot simpler.
Genesis 4:1-16 Cain and Abel
How do you handle anger?
I become very defensive and close minded. I either raise my voice or yell. Sometimes I even want to hit or break things. Then I might go to my room and turn my radio up loud so I can't think very well and instead listen to the music to calm down. I should listen to God and try to please Him.
Cain reacted poorly to his anger. Because God didn't accept Cain's half-hearted effort and gift but did accept Abel's gift, Cain killed his brother Abel. Cain seemed to take a shortcut but Abel fully obeyed God. In verse 7 the Lord said, "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master."
I become very defensive and close minded. I either raise my voice or yell. Sometimes I even want to hit or break things. Then I might go to my room and turn my radio up loud so I can't think very well and instead listen to the music to calm down. I should listen to God and try to please Him.
Cain reacted poorly to his anger. Because God didn't accept Cain's half-hearted effort and gift but did accept Abel's gift, Cain killed his brother Abel. Cain seemed to take a shortcut but Abel fully obeyed God. In verse 7 the Lord said, "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master."
The first step in pleasing God is to examine our motivation for doing so. Do we really want to please him, or are we going through the motions because someone told us we should.
Obedience is the second step to pleasing God. It means loving him enough to listen to what he says, then following through on what we know he tells us to do.
Through the Holy Spirit, God speaks to us as we come to him with willing hearts. He gently shows us areas in our lives that we need to examine and change according to his timetable, not someone else's.
Submitting to God's will means giving up what I want and totally giving in to what God wants as well as giving God my best instead of the least I can give.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Genesis 2:15 - 3:24 Adam and Eve
In what ways are you like those first humans?
Like Adam and Eve we often have to live with the painful consequences of accepting bad advise. But consequences are reminders of hard lessons. They are not excuses to give up or to repeat the same mistakes.
Satan's Plan
doubt - makes you question God's Word and his goodness
discouragement - makes you look at your problems rather than at God
diversion - makes the wrong things seem attractice so you want them more than the right things
defeat - makes you feel like a failure, so you don't even try
delay - makes you put off doing something, so it never gets done
I need to learn to put all my faith in God and completely trust him. He has a plan for me that is greater than anything I could do by myself. I can't let Satan get in the way. I haven't been doing a great job of relying on God and giving him my worries. Lately I've been getting discouraged because I can't seem to find the one thing that I'm great at; the thing that I'm made to do. I want to know now. There's a reason for everything though. I need to just go with the flow and trust God because He has something great planned for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)