Let's Try This Again

So I'm going to try to be more consistent with this. Hopefully I will stick with blogging this go around. I read some other blogs and I'm really encouraged by things I read about other people learning and growing in their faith. I love seeing what God is doing in other people's lives. Hopefully by writing about my walk with the Lord people will also be encouraged by what I have learned and experienced. This will also enable me to look back and see what all God has done in my life.

God is so big and does so much for me but I take so much for granted and forget about how awesome God really is. I have been learning so much and I want to keep learning, not get caught up in the world. I need to constantly be aware of God's presence in my life and know that He has the best plan for my life. I might not like everything that happens but God has a purpose for everything that happens. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

It is so easy to get wrapped up in thoughts such as "My life isn't fair, why did this happen to me, if only my situation was different,..." But we have to suffer and go through our own life as God has planned. We can't see what the purpose for all of life's situations and directions, only God can. We just have to trust God and believe that He knows what's best and really does have a perfect plan for our lives.

We don't want to give up control of our lives because we think it's "risky". Is it really risky? Is it really risky to put our lives in the hands of God who loves us so much that He sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins? No. That is the safest way too go. We just want to do everything by ourselves! Well, newsflash, our faith is not even our own. God chose us and gave us our faith. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." -Ephesians 2:8

Salvation is not accomplished by me. I'm not saved because I pursued God, but because God pursued me! That is crazy! Why would God want me? What do I have to offer God? Nothing, God doesn't need us for anything, for some crazy reason he wants us! We are sinful and our acts of righteousness are nothing but filthy rags, but he loves us and pursues us. So why are we so tentative to give Him everything? We should be asking, begging, for God to want us and to use us for His glory! Why don't I live life like this?

DG Bible Study 3

God's Love

"God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

This is so powerful and mind blowing! I see and hear this verse often but I don't always stop and think about it. His Son lived the perfect life, free from sin, so that he could take EVERYONE'S punishment for their sin back then, now, and forever to come. It is hard to imagine any father letting his son die and especially suffering so much. I can't picture my parents doing this to me and I wouldn't be able to do the same for my children. This shows how vast God's love is for me and everyone else. I'm so thankful for this! I know I sin and I don't deserve the grace that I've been given. God could have easily decided to punish all our sins and deny access to Heaven but He leaves the doors open under one condition:

"that if you confess with you mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

I don't have to worry if I'm "good enough." I'm not "graded" on the number of good deeds I do or how often I sin. God loves me for who I am, God loves me even when I pull away from him, He loves me unconditionally and more than anyone else can or will. I can know that I have a spot in Heaven waiting for me and that makes me so excited!

DG Bible Study 2

Is the foundation of your faith in God strong enough to withstand the storms of life that will inevitably come?

Not at all like Job, who even after his house, animals, possessions, money, and children were taken from him, he was still able to remain faithful to God. I would probably respond like his wife, who didn't remain faithful to God, if I had to endure anything close to that of Job and his family. I feel like my foundation has slowly been deteriorating or wasn't much to begin with. I'm struggling with building a strong foundation and completely putting my faith in God. Unfortunately I usually turn to Him last.

What am I doing to build on my foundation?

I've been going to The Village Church, DG Bible Study, and my lifegroup when I can. Occasionally I have read my bible and pray, I'm working on this but I'm not as often as I should. I keep telling myself that I need to work at it, but I always put other things 1st that are of less importance or out of selfishness. I need to read more often. I need to pray and simply spend more time getting to know God on a more personal level, like a best friend.

What is one new thing you'll begin doing this week to further strengthen your faith?

SPEND TIME! Pray and read. I also want to start going to Axcess again.

DG Bible Study

Have you completely yielded your dating relationships and future to God? If not, why not?

No. It's difficult to completely put my faith/trust in God. I like to feel in control and I think I know what's best even through I should know that God has the best plan for my life. It seems like I come to God only when things aren't going good and things get rough or too serious in my relationships or life in general. I need to try much harder to put God first in all that I do, which I haven't done much of. I get too wrapped up in my life to take time to put God first or even pray. I find it even harder to put God first in a relationship. My boyfriend is always on my mind, I think of ways to make my boyfriend happy, I want to make my boyfriend feel special, and I spend all the time I can with my boyfriend. I do all of this, but it is God that should be first. How do I do this? It's easy to say that God needs to be first in all that you do, but how do you do that?

"You shouldn't be concerned as much with finding the right person as you are with being the right person."

Where do you need to grow in order to "be the right person"?

I need to be less concerned with my wants and place others before me. I need to take time to appreciate what I have and how blessed I am. I need to be more compromising. I need to work on my communication. I need to build a stronger relationship with God. I need to go out of my way to make others feel special and appreciated. I need to be more serving. Basically, I need to be more like God.

What is one step you can take this week to sharpen your character?

I can do more for others so that they know I care about them. I will also continue to pray to do God's will and have the strength to do what God wants me to do. This is a struggle for me because I like my independence and I like to be in control.

Falling Apart

My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world feels like it is falling apart. Why? Why now? Aren’t there any other options? I’m being torn apart, my heart aches, and all my thoughts are consumed with what to do. Everything else around me is faded and my mind is spinning around in a total chaos of emotions. I now know what I have to do, but I don’t want to. How can I? How can I cause so much pain to someone, especially to him? He has been such a huge part of my life; I’m always talking to him, always with him, always thinking about him, always talking about him. How can I break this up? I don’t want to, but I need to.

No, there was no big fight. No, there’s no one else. I now just know that it’s not meant to be. Why now? Do I have to? Yes, this is the right thing to do. I can’t keep going on when I know it’s not right. Can’t I just try to work things out? Wait, what’s there to work out? Nothing. Nothing is wrong, we just don’t match up. We have different opinions, views, and lifestyles. I’ve gradually learned more and more about him, me, and us. He wanted forever and I can’t make a lifelong commitment like that, not now, not when I’m still learning who I am and what I want out of life.


What’s done is done. Am I happy? No. Did I do the right thing? Yes. This sucks! He is completely crushed more than I can probably imagine. I want to take his pain away, but how? I can’t, but I don’t want him to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him, I still care so much about him. That will never change. I will always care about him and want him to be happy. How can I when I can’t comfort him anymore? I can’t give him a big hug to make everything better and my smile won’t bring happiness. Wait! I can’t turn to him to make me smile, to make my worries go away, to tell my every thought to any more! I’m lost. I can’t think. Who will be there for reassurance, to tell me I look beautiful, to hold me when I’m upset? My eyes burn from crying, I’m sick to my stomach, I’m shaking uncontrollably, and my world STILL feels like it is falling apart.

Does he hate me? Does he understand that I’m doing what I honestly think is the best thing? I don’t want to lose him. He said it would be too hard and painful for him to still be my friend. Why? This isn’t fair! Time will make things better, right? I don’t want to wait! I want my best friend. Just because we weren’t meant to be doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. I don’t want to wait, but if time is what it takes to get my friend back then I’ll wait.
Now what? Do I just wait? How do I just wait? Do I treat him as I would any other friend? I try that, things seem like everything will work out fine, but no. No, it just hurts him more, breaking him more inside.

He wants me to take my pictures back. This hurts so much! Why? I understand that he can’t bear to have the constant reminders in his wallet, but why can’t he just take them home and put them somewhere or throw them away? Why do I have to take them? Tears roll down my cheeks as he hands me the memories. The picture in the bluebonnets, the one he didn’t want to take but posed with me anyways. One of the many perfect prom pictures we took. And on top of the stack is my senior picture. The tears continue. He says he will take them back at some point. More tears. Will he?

Did I treat him like a friend? I know I tried to. He says I didn’t. I don’t remember, and if I did treat him badly it was completely unintentional. Does he not know that I hurt too? I’m also trying to recover and move on. I’m not going to be able to act myself. I guess it’s too late now. Now I’m just mad at myself. Mad for unintentionally hurting him. I’m still hurting him.
So now what do I do? I don’t want to avoid him, but I also don’t want to continue to hurt him. Nothing I do will make him happy. Nothing I do will be the “right” thing to do in everyone’s eyes. No matter how much I try to do the right thing someone will still be mad at me. Why? I thought they would understand that I’m doing what I think is right. I know they are hurting for him but that doesn’t mean to get mad at me and say hurtful things. What is he telling them? He has told me several things that tore me up, but I expected it. I expected him to be mad and say mean things, but why would other people do the same? I AM HURTING TOO! Does anyone realize this? After seeing how much he is hurting why would they want to make me hurt as much? I don’t understand.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. What I do know is that I don’t have any regrets. I would never give up the time we had together. We have so many amazing memories. I am who I am because of my experiences. The people I’ve known who have influenced and rubbed off on me, the things I’ve done, and time all form my life and the person I have become. I would NEVER take anything back.

Goodbye Nana's House

Field of Flowers